Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
