Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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