He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize