Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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