we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
