You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
