Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
