Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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