Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
