I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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