my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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