why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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