as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
