I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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