My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Send help, water and tortillas.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
