I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
