He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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