Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
