the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
