On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
