i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
