like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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