I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
