sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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