You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
