I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
