My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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