So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
