she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
