So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
