Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
