Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So much rum. So many feels.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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