i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
