That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
