So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
