We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
