I think im going to throw up on grandma
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
