he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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