I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
