I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
