Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
