Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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