I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
