Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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