Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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