I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
