I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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