Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
