We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
