I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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