Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
