Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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