The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I hope mine doesn't look like that
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
