No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
