Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
