Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
