Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
