is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The air taste purple.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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