I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
