You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
